In today’s complex professional environments, workplace tensions can develop unexpectedly, even with the best intentions. One particularly challenging situation for managers is discovering that a team member perceives their leadership approach as intimidating or overbearing. This perception requires thoughtful attention regardless of how it aligns with your intentions.

Let’s explore a hypothetical scenario that illustrates this delicate situation and offer practical solutions using several powerful principles that can transform workplace relationships.

The Scenario: Communication Breakdown at an Energy Production Facility

Meet Marcus, an experienced operations manager who oversees a team at a remote energy production facility. His team consists of two senior technicians and one junior technician, Jamie, who joined the team about a year ago. While most of the team has worked together on-site for years, Jamie splits time between the field and the operations center.

Despite Marcus’s track record of successful team leadership, a recent situation revealed a significant disconnect. Concerned about Jamie’s progress with essential operational procedures, Marcus had implemented a structured training program and scheduled a performance check-in to discuss Jamie’s engagement with the safety protocols.

During their meeting in Marcus’s office, Marcus directly questioned Jamie’s commitment to the training program and asked pointed questions about Jamie’s interest in energy production work. When Jamie mentioned preferring hands-on training to classroom-style learning, Marcus responded with comments emphasizing the importance of understanding fundamental safety protocols before field application and questioned whether Jamie’s approach was appropriate for the high-risk environment.

What Marcus viewed as necessary safety-focused coaching, Jamie experienced as harsh criticism. After the meeting, Jamie approached the HR department, expressing feelings of being intimidated, considering a transfer to another facility, and having lost trust in the relationship with Marcus.

Marcus was taken aback. How could his efforts to ensure safety and compliance have created such a negative impact?

Taking 100% Responsibility: The Foundation for Resolution

When Marcus learned about Jamie’s reaction, his initial thoughts were defensive: “I’m responsible for safety!” “Jamie needs to understand the seriousness of our work!” “This isn’t personal, it’s about protocols!”

However, after reflection, Marcus recognized that the situation called for a different approach. Taking 100% responsibility doesn’t mean admitting fault or agreeing that you’re intimidating. Rather, it means acknowledging that as a leader, you have the power to influence the relationship dynamic and create positive change.

Marcus realized that regardless of his intentions, the impact on Jamie was real. By taking 100% responsibility, he shifted from defensive reactions to constructive action:

1. He acknowledged that his direct communication style might not be effective with everyone
2. He recognized that his position of authority amplified the impact of his words
3. He accepted that his approach, regardless of intent, had caused distress
4. He committed to finding a solution rather than proving his point

The Tiger-Turtle Pattern: Understanding Communication Dynamics

In workplace tensions, we often see the “Tiger-Turtle” pattern emerge. The Tiger (typically more assertive and direct) pushes harder for engagement or results, which causes the Turtle (typically more reflective and cautious) to withdraw further. The more the Turtle withdraws, the harder the Tiger pushes, creating a destructive cycle.

In our scenario, Marcus displayed Tiger tendencies through his direct questioning and focus on compliance, while Jamie exhibited Turtle behaviors by withdrawing emotionally and considering a transfer rather than engaging in further discussion.

Marcus realized that his direct approach had triggered Jamie’s withdrawal, which then prompted him to become even more insistent, creating a negative spiral. Breaking this pattern required Marcus to:

1. Recognize his default communication style and its impact
2. Understand Jamie’s different communication needs
3. Adapt his approach to create safety rather than pressure
4. Create space for Jamie to engage without feeling cornered

The STOP Principle: Creating Space for Constructive Conversation

To address the situation effectively, Marcus needed to implement the STOP principle:

• Stop the current pattern
• Take a breath and create space
• Observe the situation objectively
• Proceed with a positive approach

Marcus scheduled a follow-up meeting with Jamie but began by sending a brief message: “I’d like us to have a conversation about our recent meeting. My intention is to listen and understand your perspective. Would tomorrow at 2 pm in the breakroom (rather than my office) work for you?”

During their hour-long conversation, Marcus:

1. Started by thanking Jamie for being honest about how the interaction felt
2. Listened without interruption as Jamie explained his experience
3. Did not defend his intentions or correct Jamie’s perceptions
4. Asked clarifying questions to better understand Jamie’s perspective
5. Acknowledged the impact of his communication style

By creating this space and approaching the conversation with genuine curiosity rather than defensiveness, Marcus was able to de-escalate the situation and begin rebuilding trust.

From Expectations to Agreements: Building a Foundation of Trust

A key realization for Marcus was that many of the problems stemmed from unspoken expectations rather than clear agreements. He had expected Jamie to engage with the training program in a specific way, while Jamie had expected more hands-on learning opportunities.

In their follow-up conversation, Marcus moved from imposing expectations to creating mutual agreements:

1. They discussed learning preferences openly, with Marcus acknowledging the value of Jamie’s hands-on learning approach while also explaining the critical nature of certain safety protocols
2. They co-created a development plan that incorporated both structured learning and practical application under supervision
3. They established clear communication protocols, including how feedback would be given and received
4. They agreed on specific check-in points and success metrics that made sense to both of them

These agreements created clarity and psychological safety, allowing both Marcus and Jamie to move forward with shared understanding rather than unspoken assumptions.

The Integrity Principle: Honoring Your Word and Rebuilding Trust

The final element in resolving this conflict was applying the integrity principle. Integrity means being whole and complete in your word – doing what you say you’ll do and communicating proactively when circumstances change.

For Marcus, rebuilding trust with Jamie required demonstrating consistent integrity:

1. Following through on all agreements made during their conversation
2. Communicating changes promptly if circumstances shifted
3. Acknowledging when he slipped into old patterns and correcting course
4. Consistently demonstrating respect for Jamie’s communication preferences

Marcus also recognized that integrity required him to address his leadership approach with the broader team. Without sharing private details, he acknowledged to the team that he was working on improving his communication approach and invited feedback on his leadership style.

Results: Transformation Through Intentional Leadership

Two weeks after implementing these principles, Marcus noticed significant positive changes:

1. Jamie reengaged with both the training program and field operations, bringing creative solutions to technical challenges
2. Their communication became more open, with Jamie feeling safe to ask questions and express concerns
3. The development plan they co-created was showing results, combining Jamie’s hands-on learning preference with the necessary safety protocols
4. Other team members responded positively to the improved communication approaches, with several mentioning the more collaborative atmosphere

By taking 100% responsibility, breaking the Tiger-Turtle pattern, applying the STOP principle, moving from expectations to agreements, and maintaining integrity, Marcus transformed what could have been a team breakdown into an opportunity for growth and improved leadership.

Key Takeaways for Leaders

If you find yourself in a situation where a team member perceives your leadership style as intimidating or overly demanding, remember:

1. Take 100% responsibility for your part in the dynamic, regardless of your intentions
2. Recognize pattern dynamics like the Tiger-Turtle cycle that may be amplifying the tension
3. STOP the current trajectory by creating space for genuine listening and understanding
4. Replace unspoken expectations with clear, mutual agreements
5. Demonstrate integrity by honoring your word and communicating transparently

Remember that your position as a leader amplifies both the impact of your words and your ability to create positive change. By applying these principles, you can transform workplace tensions into opportunities for deeper connection, improved communication, and stronger team dynamics.

The most powerful demonstration of leadership isn’t the absence of missteps, but how you respond when they occur. By taking responsibility and applying these principles, you model the kind of growth mindset and emotional intelligence that will inspire your team to do the same.

About The Author

Grant Wattie is a relationship expert with over 20 years of experience helping leaders transform their connections both professionally and personally. Through his Aroha Rapid Transformation Method, developed with his wife Christine, Grant empowers clients to build authentic relationships that drive success in all areas of life. His unique approach integrates relationship psychology with leadership principles, focusing on effective communication, emotional intelligence, and trust-building. As an author, speaker, and mentor, Grant is dedicated to the philosophy that extraordinary relationships are the foundation of an extraordinary life.