The Philosopher Schopenhauer said “People are like porcupines. They like to huddle together to stay warm; however, in doing so they end up pricking each other.”
Human beings want to connect, and they want to belong. Yet the paradox is they end up pricking each other and moving further apart. Of course they don’t do this physically with sharp objects (unless they’re a tattooist ;o)
People hurt each other with words — with carefully selected language designed to penetrate even the toughest of emotional armour.
Most people want to get along with their colleagues at work and their family members. But how often do they say things that drive them apart from friends and loved ones? (Even right now, as you’re reading this article you may agree with what I’m saying. Or say something like “this is mindless waffle” based on the language I use.)
If people really want to get along, they are more than capable of collaborating and understanding each other, especially if they want something.
For example, during World War II the Japanese became very good at intercepting and decoding the Allied Troops coded messages to each other. So someone came up with the bright idea to assemble a group of American Navajo Indians to give coded instructions over the radio that couldn’t be broken, and were only intelligible to them.
This is now called the ‘code talker paradox’ in the philosophy of language. That is, that language can be used to prevent rather than enhance communication.
So what is to be done about this problem of miscommunication?
The key is to be aware of the way you listen to the ‘already on’ radio station in your mind that’s tuned in to what you want to hear, rather than the message that’s actually being communicated.
One of the great contemporary language philosophers of our time, Ludwig Wittgenstein, came across an account of a judge in a Paris court who ordered that the two parties represent their stories of a traffic accident using representative small cars and figurines. This enabled an accurate account of what actually occurred, rather than their individual stories of what occurred.
How many times do you represent your life as a story of what happened rather than what actually happened? Stories that manifest in thoughts or spoken words and then in actions govern your life and can limit what’s possible. Therefore, to transform the quality of your life, and open the way for new possibilities in the future, it’s necessary to be aware of the limiting stories that control your life.
How do you become aware of the stories that govern your life?
- Awareness. Notice your behaviour. Tip: The first obvious sign is when you’re trying hard to defend something, or trying hard to look good in front of people. Notice when you’re saying to yourself or others things like “I can’t do this”, or “I’m not responsible”, or “It’s not my fault” or I don’t make the decisions around here”, or I’m not good enough, or “I’m not smart enough, or “I’m afraid”. Get the picture?
- Acceptance. Tip: The way out of this mess is to first recognise your emotions and corresponding story in your head. Then don’t fight it. Take a few deep breaths and accept what’s going on. Remember… what you resist persists.
- Action. Create a new future story in language that empowers you rather than disempowers. Tip: For example, if you want to obtain a new promotion or even a new career, catch yourself when you say things like, “I’m not skilled enough”, or “I’ll never get the job”. Instead say something like, “Although that happened in the past, I’m going to create a new [possibility for myself in the future.
I’d love to hear your thoughts.