There’s a 67% chance your marriage will end in divorce within 40 years.* Pretty grim aye?
If that isn’t bad enough, struggling couples run to their friends and family and maybe even a marriage therapist or relationship counselor, only to get terrible advice.
Last week a guy told me he went with his wife to a marriage counselor. After listening to his wife criticize him for most of the session, the counselor told him he was the one in the wrong and needed to make changes. Then suggested they spend time apart. What? Surely anyone promoting saving a marriage who is worth their salt will suggest strategies to keep the couple together.
While most advice given makes sense it just doesn’t work and the growing number of divorces confirm it.
This is because saving a marriage that is on the rocks is difficult and the process to you need to succeed is counter-intuitive. Be very wise about the advice you’re following or the results can be costly.
While the advice given often seems logical, it’s simply not workable. It’s useless because it doesn’t take into account the unseen dynamics that occur between a couple who are emotionally disconnected.
Here’s an example of 6 myths people perpetuate all the time.
“It takes two to tango.” Wrong. Most people think, “I need my spouse to work with me to fix our marriage.” If you want to fix it you need to go alone. One person’s effort can change the course of a marriage, and often, it’s that effort that motivates the stubborn spouse to join in the process.
“Maybe you married the wrong person?” Wrong question. The key to succeeding in lasting love is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found. Love is not a lottery. Just as there are laws of the universe – like gravity, what goes up must come down, there are also relationship laws that require you to obey them in order to predict the outcome of your marriage. You didn’t pick the wrong person, you stopped choosing to love the person you chose.
“You just need time apart.” Wrong, absence does not make the heart grow fonder. In marriage, especially a struggling one, absence creates emotional distance, and that’s the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve – connection and closeness.
“You need to talk about your problems.” No, no, don’t talk about your problems. Talking doesn’t resolve them; it makes them worse. It leads to arguments and more hurt and pain. Marriages change because people transform. Don’t say anything but do take action.
“You need counseling.” Be very careful. Marriage counselling fails in most situations. The success rate is shocking with most couples reporting to me their relationship is worse off after marriage counseling. According to the New York Times two years after ending marital counseling twenty-five percent of couples are worse off than when they started, and after four years thirty-eight percent are divorced.
“Talk to family or friends.” Wrong. If you’re like most couples you value your privacy right? Talking to family or friends is often seen as a betrayal of trust and certainly a violation of your spouse’s privacy.
Love to hear your stories on the advice you have been given.
* According to the marriage researcher, John Gottman.
About Grant and Christine Wattie
Grant and Chris are world authorities on the strategy of transforming relationships. Their work has helped save thousands of marriages.
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