You usually cannot tell whether you are still in love by checking how you feel right now, because love that has gone quiet feels identical to love that is gone, and the only reliable test is what happens when you start tending it again. Feelings are not a steady read-out. The in-love feeling rises and falls, and in a disconnected season it can flatten so completely that you cannot find it, which is not the same as it being gone.

It is unsettling to look inside for the feeling and find nothing there. You search for the love, come up empty, and conclude it must have died.

Here is the more accurate picture. The in-love feeling is not a fixed quantity you either have or have lost. It is grown and regrown through the deposits you make in each other, attention, warmth, playfulness, touch. When those stop, the feeling goes quiet, and a quiet feeling reads as no feeling. Christine and I, married 40 years, have felt the in-love feeling fade and return more than once, and it returned every time not by waiting and checking, but by tending the relationship again. Feelings follow actions more than we expect.

So the test is not introspection, which a flat season distorts. It is action. Be the change, start making the deposits that grow love, and watch what stirs. If the feeling begins to return as you tend it, it was quiet, not gone. If you truly tend the marriage for a fair while and absolutely nothing stirs, that is a more trustworthy answer than the numbness you feel today.

You cannot reliably check whether you are still in love by feeling for it. Tend the relationship, and what returns will tell you the truth.

If you are wondering whether you are still in love, book a free 15-minute call. Tell us where things are. We will be honest about what is possible.

How can I tell if I still love my spouse? Not by checking the feeling now, which a flat season distorts. By tending the relationship and watching what returns. Love that is quiet stirs again when you make deposits. Love that is gone does not.

Is it normal to not feel in love sometimes? Completely. The in-love feeling rises and falls, and in a disconnected stretch it can flatten so far you cannot find it. That is normal and reversible, not proof the love has died.

Can love come back if I cannot feel it now? Often, yes. The feeling is grown and regrown through deposits of attention, warmth, and touch. When the tending resumes, the feeling commonly returns, because feelings follow actions.

What if nothing comes back when I try? If you truly tend the marriage for a fair stretch and nothing stirs at all, that is a more trustworthy answer than today’s numbness. It gives you a real basis to decide, rather than a guess made from a flat season.