If you only talk about work anymore and you think your marriage is over, what has usually ended is the feeling of being seen. The conversations are all rosters, cash flow and clients. Each of you gets treated as a function in the business, and nobody asks about the person. Living like that for long enough feels exactly like the end of a marriage. Very often the marriage underneath is still there, starved. Before you decide it is finished, find out whether the two of you can see each other again once the business stops taking every conversation.
I thought our marriage was over once. Fourteen years in, we had a photography business, three children and a life that looked successful from the outside. I was travelling most weeks. Christine held everything together at home and at the studio. Our daughters had asked her once, “When will you do your own thing, Mum?” That question haunted her. She was supporting my dream while her own gifts went unused, and I was too busy achieving to see what it was costing her.
The night it came to a head, I cannot remember what started it. We fought, or maybe we finally told the truth. I remember the feeling: this is it, this is the end, fourteen years and it’s over. We have now been married forty years.
The first move is one true sentence. Say it once, calmly, away from the office, with no attack attached. Something like, “I feel like your colleague. I miss you.” It will feel exposed. Say it anyway.
If you are the one hearing it, resist the urge to defend yourself with a list of evidence. Name what they have felt instead: “It sounds like you have been carrying a lot and feeling invisible for a long time.” Being understood lowers the temperature fast.
Then take the business out of your evenings. Keep company matters for a set time in the week and leave the rest for each other. Talk about anything else: what you are each reading, what you miss, where you want to be in five years that has nothing to do with revenue.
Some couples do all of this and still decide to part. If that is where you land, you will have decided it with clear eyes. I wrote about finding each other again after the business took over in we built a successful business and lost each other.
When a marriage is on the brink, the $7 Phoenix Protocol Workshop at phoenix.grantwattie.com/workshop walks you through the first move, so you can decide with a clear head.
Or book a free 15-minute call and tell us where things are.
Related questions
Is it normal to only talk about work when you run a business together? It is extremely common. A shared business floods whatever time it is given, and by default it is given all of it. Without one agreed place for business talk, every meal and drive becomes a meeting. The fix is structure: a weekly business meeting that holds the work, so the rest of the week can hold the marriage.
How do I know if my marriage is really over? You cannot tell clearly while the business is taking every conversation. Contain the work for a few weeks and spend real time together without it. If the marriage comes back to life once you can see each other again, it was starved. Decide after that test.
What do I say to my husband when I feel like a colleague? Say it plainly and once, when you are both calm: “I feel like your colleague. I miss you.” Leave out the list of evidence. A short, true sentence is far easier to hear than a case being made.
What should I do when my wife says she feels invisible? Resist the urge to defend yourself. Name what she has felt instead, for example “It sounds like you have been carrying a lot and feeling unseen for a long time.” Feeling understood lowers the temperature, and it opens the door to a real conversation.